2018

Silencio

I loved
and lost
in the darkness
that cost me a pain
messing up so many times
until the end
of the day.

I was heartbroken
insane
not being able to say a word.
Took a plane
to get away
from this madhouse called Slovakialand
to see what the life is like out there.
You said “Silencio”
and so it was.
I was naïve and unaware
kept my legs together
and so they stayed.
Until he violently spread my body
to its colorful stripes
of loneliness.

I cried
I wailed
realized his insides were pushing onto me
like bare trees
lacking sunshine.


2019

P E R S O N A

My internal core was shaken once again
I saw his black hair looking at me
And the trauma surfaced up the hill
like a fighting leaf
captured by the wind.
Zig-zags of his green lines
they sit still.

Where to look at?
How to feel?
Are my artificially make-uped lips perfect enough?
The lines of my celluloid skin
they sit still.
On the inside I crave you
You, my persona
Are you real?

My fantastically-imagined non-human being
Let me feel the touch of your red office walls you put into my mouth every week.

And suddenly I feel
Suddenly I am whole
P E R S O N A.

The grandiosity of nature

I don’t understand
it clicks and works 24/7 meaning
all the time.

The grandiosity of humanity-
I hate to understand.
Yet I do.
It never works. (It never could).
God knows it very well.

I wonder if he regrets
his creation. The freedom us monsters without conscience
Hold under his hands.

I wonder how he lines with the fact.
But I guess he’s God so whatever.
Emotions-in this case-don’t really matter


2020

I wonder

Is there something else to say?
Poetry. Makes. Me. Tired. I wish. I wasn’t. A poet.
I wish doctors help me.
no chance.
I know. I just-
I wish-
Something in the past-
Trauma. My legs being taken. My personality becoming borderline-
I wish
It all had been changed.

Doctors are supposed to heal and not the other way around.

Get real. Handed Pills. Awoken dreams. Blankets full of whiteness.
Doctors can become the worst patients.
and otherwise.
How good was I at treating you? Are your traumas gone now? Is there anyone listening?
I promise-

It’s going to be all right.

L’amant double.

You were playing with fire
Well, here’s the damage.
Scars. Third-degree burns. Strange wording. Exclamation marks. Unstable barking and food.
That coffee wasn’t even good enough.
I should have had sex in the elevator.
With myself.

L’amant double.

Persona

Hallucinate about you every day.
But today-
Today was different.
Your kids were playing. You were kneeling
in the backyard grass.

Are you-
Are you stalking me?
My Persona

It’s all in your head and so is everything but she didn’t get it

The sunshine let me vomit my imaginations right in front of you.

The illusion of you that cares.
The illusion that still exists.
The illusion that plays hide and seek in the backyard with your green grass cups and kids.
The illusion that keeps the flowers open
when they need it.

You see – they too deserve to breathe.

Belled jared ‘till the end.

I am standing on one foot
barely speaking, barely alive.
I am ruining in between the ruined.
I am smiling in between the nightmares.

Look! Another day is coming.
All I want is to silence the voices in my head.
Quench the thirst of my questioning psyche.
Kneel to Something Someone maybe.
I guess to someone more than me.
I don’t want to simply let it be.

Belled jared ‘till the end.
Existing for me and myself and I?

perpetuum mobile

No more. Pain. Attention. Blame.
Is ours.
We created it, we swallow it. Thoroughly.

Is there anyone to tell me why do I keep searching for my ideal parents-
When I know I cannot have them?
And yet-here they are. Are?
On-line. (Anti)social. Once again.

Let me tell you something: All my traumas exist because of my bloody phone.
That’s why I keep breaking the stupid thing
Down
To its
Basics.
I hope it bleeds the pain out.
MOMENTUM: Trauma repeats itself like a perpetuum mobile. Trauma (n). And this is a life of a lonely girl with matches who ended up alone on Christmas Eve.
Praying. Searching for God.
Killing herself.
I wonder-
Did she find her?